There was no question that my first “Guts” post would start with some of my junk to try to help with some of yours. It is a teeny, tiny glimpse into my journey.
To start, please look at the beautiful original print that I received for Christmas from my Glennon friend as it is the backbone of this story. What’s a Glennon friend? One of my dearest friends who introduced me to Glennon and has continually brought her into my world over the past few years. She started with constant nagging to read the books, introduced “We Can Do Hard Things” and most recently, added this Cheetah. I have read all the books; Untamed is my favorite. First, how can I not love the glitter on the cover? I mean, seriously. More importantly, she introduces some of my crap and is helping me fix it (although she doesn’t know it).
The Early Me
- Body image issues
- Living for others and who they believed I should be
- Never felt like I was one of the “Golden” people; actually felt damn inferior and insecure
- Terribly anxious and trying to control everything and everyone (more on why in a later post)
- Got married the first time even though that voice – the Knowing – told me not too
- Went right to the edge on a couple of things only to pull back before permanent damage was done
The Next Me
Now, here’s the thing…there was a time when I actually overcame a lot of this when I was working at Intel and I was lucky to have a boss who believed in and supported me. She introduced me to my wings so I would fly where I wanted to go and I thrived. I worked hard and passionately. Work was not work – it was fun. I felt comfortable in my skin and not so worried about being thin enough. I almost did not feel insecure when around the “Golden.” I trusted myself over others’ expectations and chose to marry a second time – to a Persian man (more about that in a future post). The Phoenix Business Journal voted me one of the “40 under 40 top leaders” – I was validated. That should have been a RED flag right there.
And, the Next
Then, I became a Mom and all of the fears and stuff came back. I stopped working to be home with my girl, which by the way, I would not change for a second. I did, however, get lost over the past 16 years and have been going up and down, up and down. My therapist of 13 years could verbatim repeat the same discussion over and over. “Hilary, you must find something that is yours.” (She was basically saying in so many words, to find my inner cheetah). “But, Vicki, I don’t know what that is. I am scared as I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want.”
The same old record started playing in my head every time I started something new. “You don’t know enough.” “You can’t do it.” “It is too hard.” “You must do it right.” “Others are better at it.” “Your child must be your sole focus.” My confidence kept going lower and lower and my focus kept getting stronger and stronger – not focus on me. Focus on my daughter’s life.
I went to a women’s retreat a couple of years ago in CA. Yoga, healing, partying, resting, sharing, boating, etc. Sounds awesome, right? Not to me. I did not want to go, but, my Glennon friend propped me up and told me I had to go. Those three days were some of the hardest of my life. I felt weak. My daughter was not there as my “Mommy crutch.” That is the crutch you fall back on in any uncomfortable moment. Without it, I did not know how to act or what to do. All of this fabulousness surrounded me and I felt intimidated, insecure, not good enough, not interesting, not fun, not someone who others would want to know. It truly sucked, but in hindsight, it didn’t. It was a turning point.
Since then, my Glennon friend has continued to remind me that we can do hard things and then last year, with the publication of Untamed, she started a new mantra – “you are a GD cheetah. Don’t forget it.” Every time I came up a with a new idea, she cheered me on despite none of them sticking. This is not to say I have not done some awesome stuff over the past few years. I have – I have done a lot of work and volunteering for Eva’s schools. But, it was tied to Eva. Every darn thing.
When I started blogging again in December, my Glennon friend immediately texted me and said, “This is it. This is what you need to be doing” and she immediately started giving me some ideas. My response, “you are so good, I will be lucky if I am still doing this next year. Here was her response, “You’ve read Untamed, right? Then stop selling yourself short, you are a GD cheetah, now start acting like it.”
I am a GD Cheetah and I just finished reading Untamed again. And, I took notes. And, here I am right now:
- Goodbye martyr, hello role model – Eva will thank me for it later. My life does not have to revolve around her. And, guess what?!? She doesn’t want it to – LOL.
- I will do the best I can until I know better. Then when I know better, I will do better – inspired by Maya Angelou and Glennon Doyle. I still have issues and I am still tackling them.
- I will learn from others and share those learnings with the hope there will be a glittery, gold nugget for someone else.
- Embrace others, Learn from others, Support others, Elevate others…and stay true to me.
WTH knows. Just me.
Where are you in your journey? Let’s be GD Cheetahs together! I mean it. And, if you have no idea what I am talking about, go buy Untamed right now and read it. I promise you will find at least one nugget and probably a lot more!
And, if you need someone to pick you up and believe in you, get yourself a “Glennon” friend, , find a mentor or e-mail me! Follow me on Social Media (links to right) to connect with other Cheetahs. For goodness sakes, follow Glennon. And, if you are doing great, be a Glennon friend!!! We all need each other! And, stay tuned for some ideas to get you started on your path if you have no idea where you are headed; the first is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathe.
Seriously, if you need an encouraging word, reach out. Everyone who knows me, knows that I can’t wait to help solve problems with them (maybe a little too much – LOL). Don’t forget – you are a GD Cheetah so act like it!
*Please note that if you click on one of the Untamed links, I may receive a small commission.